The hitchhiker's guide to Wallonië, part 1: Van Cau
My dear friends, since long I felt the need amongst you for a reliable guide through the Walloon provinces. I myself have never felt much for disaster tourism and frankly, I am a bit shocked by your incessant and slightly immoral thirst for hearing of the barren, desolate, syphilis-ridden, potable water lacking, no governing skills having, socialist infested, economy-repelling, manure shovelling welfare black hole that is Wallonia.
But who am I to judge? The only thing I can do is to provide you with a reliable guide so that you may complete your journey in relative safety. In the guide I will be tackling some of Wallonia's more extraordinary sights and fauna specimens, starting with monsieur Van Cauwenberghe,
Most of you will not be surprised that Van Cau is the undisputed Guinness World Record holder for corruption since Mobutu Sese Seko blew his prostate. Just look at the guy, corruption literally oozes out of his every pore in his head, from his receding hairline to his fake 'hey-look-you-guys-I'm-from –may-'68-even-though-I-make-shitloads-of-money-and-don't-give-a-
rat's-ass-about-the-working-class' unshaven beardlike facial growth. Move your head to the left and the right, see how his beady little eyes seem to follow you, silently asking you 'where's my money, bitch?' while putting on the fakest smile since our monkey forefathers first learned how to curve their lips upward in sight of a banana or a bonobo female?
Van Cau rules Charleroi. Period. If you drive down a road in Charleroi, it's builders paid a kickback to Van Cau to get the contract. If you drink a beer in a Charleroi bar, the owner paid Van Cau to get a liquor license. If you take a leak in Charleroi, Van Cau is standing next to you with a paper cup to claim his 5%. If you go to an upper class confituur party in Charleroi, Van Cau gets his own private inflatable kiddie pool. He's the Capo di tutti Sossen in Charleroi and in Wallonia that means 'you the man'.
Charleroi itself is a shitty city, really. It's real easy to find it on google earth, just go to Belgium and point at the shitty brownish black spot. That's Charleroi. The brown is coal residue flying through the air, making Charleroi about the unhealthiest place to live after Tsjernobyl and China. That coal residue and the obvious brain damage it causes with the 'Carolos' by the way is about the only plausible scientific cause we can come up with to explain why Van Cau keeps getting elected in this town. That and the fact that he personally hands over about every single welfare check in his town/ gives away about every key to a social residence in his town/ picks out every one to get a cushy job at the city's civil service. That's why they love him, and that's why the Carolos would literally go through fire for Van Cau. And we all hope that one day they will.
Conclusion: If your drivin' through Wallonia and you see your surroundings turn into a brownish black colour, head back if you can, because you are to enter Van Caunty. If you have to continue, go full speed, keep the windows and the airco closed and if you see an unshaven fat guy on the road holding a paper cup, by all means…
But who am I to judge? The only thing I can do is to provide you with a reliable guide so that you may complete your journey in relative safety. In the guide I will be tackling some of Wallonia's more extraordinary sights and fauna specimens, starting with monsieur Van Cauwenberghe,
Most of you will not be surprised that Van Cau is the undisputed Guinness World Record holder for corruption since Mobutu Sese Seko blew his prostate. Just look at the guy, corruption literally oozes out of his every pore in his head, from his receding hairline to his fake 'hey-look-you-guys-I'm-from –may-'68-even-though-I-make-shitloads-of-money-and-don't-give-a-
rat's-ass-about-the-working-class' unshaven beardlike facial growth. Move your head to the left and the right, see how his beady little eyes seem to follow you, silently asking you 'where's my money, bitch?' while putting on the fakest smile since our monkey forefathers first learned how to curve their lips upward in sight of a banana or a bonobo female?
Van Cau rules Charleroi. Period. If you drive down a road in Charleroi, it's builders paid a kickback to Van Cau to get the contract. If you drink a beer in a Charleroi bar, the owner paid Van Cau to get a liquor license. If you take a leak in Charleroi, Van Cau is standing next to you with a paper cup to claim his 5%. If you go to an upper class confituur party in Charleroi, Van Cau gets his own private inflatable kiddie pool. He's the Capo di tutti Sossen in Charleroi and in Wallonia that means 'you the man'.
Charleroi itself is a shitty city, really. It's real easy to find it on google earth, just go to Belgium and point at the shitty brownish black spot. That's Charleroi. The brown is coal residue flying through the air, making Charleroi about the unhealthiest place to live after Tsjernobyl and China. That coal residue and the obvious brain damage it causes with the 'Carolos' by the way is about the only plausible scientific cause we can come up with to explain why Van Cau keeps getting elected in this town. That and the fact that he personally hands over about every single welfare check in his town/ gives away about every key to a social residence in his town/ picks out every one to get a cushy job at the city's civil service. That's why they love him, and that's why the Carolos would literally go through fire for Van Cau. And we all hope that one day they will.
Conclusion: If your drivin' through Wallonia and you see your surroundings turn into a brownish black colour, head back if you can, because you are to enter Van Caunty. If you have to continue, go full speed, keep the windows and the airco closed and if you see an unshaven fat guy on the road holding a paper cup, by all means…
posted by asskicker at 5:15 PM
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